I am aware that I am not, by far, the first to express my opinion on the fairness of life. I have never written a classic tragedy, nor have I stirred souls with a sermon, professing the calamities suffered everyday by millions. I am no genius. I am not telepathic. I possess no qualities that rank me above the common man. I am just myself, a single person without extraordinary power. I must, however, due to circumstances beyond my physical control, tempt Fate to lay her worst before me if she chooses. If, by my words, I offend her, then let her will be done. I have already suffered enough, by my standards, to be an expert on her ways. So let it be said by me—and I accept full responsibility for my words—that Fate is a sullen and fickle woman. She plays cruel games with human emotions simply for her entertainment, then throws her head back and laughs at the aftermath.
Before continuing, I must put to rest a couple of misconceptions. First, Fate is not God. God is kind and merciful. God is understanding and forgiving. He has created a celestial resting place for human souls following the torture they must endure by the hand of that bewitching temptress. God has created us, we are His children, and like all well-meaning fathers, He watches over us and protects us. But, in order for children to become productive and independent, parents must allow them to exercise their free will. It is during this transition and growth that Fate creeps in and weaves her wicked spell. We humans, of course, are weak and easily fall prey to her vices. It is God who breathes life into us, it is by free will that we exercise our feelings and emotions, yet it is Fate that creates the circumstances in which we fall.
A second misconception is that Fate and Luck are one in the same. I have often heard people wrongly proclaim the greatness of Fate following an illuminating experience. One would gladly “kiss the hand of Fate” after scratching a lottery ticket or greedily raking in the winnings from a hand of poker. It is at times like these, though, that a person should be bowing down in thanks to Luck. Giving misdirected credit will not keep circumstances flowing in one’s favor. The next time someone finds a fifty dollar bill laying ownerless on the floor at the grocery store, he should pick it up, smile, and send praises to his lucky stars. It was not Fate’s hand afoot in this matter; he just happened to fall, for the moment, into Luck’s good graces.
Fate is not God, nor is she Luck. She is the venomous snake that wraps herself around the human heart and squeezes, forcing swells of tissue to stretch between her scaly rings, finally bursting into a torrent. She turns what was once innocent and trusting into a scornful and bitter heap. She turns indecision into regret, admiration into jealousy, and intimacy into a passionless craving for lust. She is the hand that dangles your dreams before you then wrenches them away after allowing you to come within reach. She is the voice that whispers softly behind you, never quite letting you fully understand her words. She is the oasis in the distance that, upon your arrival, turns out to have been merely a mirage. She is determined to fool us all. She promises to make us stronger, and never to destroy us. Her word "never", however, is in itself a promise, and my heart can no longer afford her lies.
Too many times I have entrusted my future and well being to Fate, and too many times I have been cast off as the martyr. I have been deceived and misguided, tricked and played for the fool. I have been handed cupfuls of joy only to have them clumsily turned over and spilled to the floor. Through the deepest recesses of my soul I have held tight to great expectations only to have them result in magnanimous failures. Fate has confused me. She has broken my confidence into prickling splinters of frailty and weakness. Her guiding hand has led me down paths of loneliness, paths of heartache and despair.
Fate has often cut me, deeply wounding me. She has left me contemplating the better of life or death. She has abandoned me many times in the deep pit of hell, leaving me gasping and out of breath from tearing away at the hole that trapped me. Fate often forced me to question God’s reasoning and ask why He would allow me to suffer. Why? What sins had I committed that were so disdainful that He would condone such punishment?
There were often times when I felt that there was no escape from this black serpent. So many times I have turned my back on her only to discover her dark shadow, once again, looming and hovering above me. Many nights I have lain sleepless, contemplating the evidence of Fate, and many nights I have been jolted out of nightmares with vivid recollections of her manipulations. I could not run or fly from her. I could not scream or cry the fear away. I had depended on and expected so much from her before that it was more than difficult to extract her from my life.
It was one morning, though, that I decided to take control of myself and my life. I did not run or hide. I did not fight or battle the evil of her. I simply chose, consciously, to be cavalier towards her. I ignored her offers. I pretended not to see the promises she laid at my feet. I no longer let her know of my desires—I kept them as sweet secrets for myself. This task was not easy. As I said before, Fate is truly a most mischievous and tempting wench. She will bait you and use all of her ploys to capture you. She craves your attention and pleads that you entertain her whims. Do not be fooled. Fate plays no favorites. She will look you straight in the eye and not think twice about breaking you, like she attempted to do to me.
I, however, was stronger than she. My dealings with Fate have lifted me to greater heights. I am now above the clamor, the ruckus, and can see things in a different light. I am now, after my flaying, capable of judging for myself, forming my own beliefs, and creating circumstances by my own intentions. Fate no longer plays a part in the day-to-day rituals of my existence. Things happen to me because I allow them. Things do not happen because I avoid them. I left Fate behind me, crawling around somewhere in that confusion that was once my life. From this moment on, the choices are my own, the results—good or bad—are my own, and that is the way it’s supposed to be.
(1999)
